Friday, May 6, 2016

Dated References: A Male's Guide to Makeup and Fashion for 2015 in 2016

About a year ago, my then-boyfriend asked if he could write for my blog.  I hesitantly agreed and shortly thereafter "I Hope You're Happy" arrived in my inbox, hand swatch photo attached, ready to for posting.  And post I did, to a rather positive response.  All very nice.

But Jared loves the attention.  So my now fiance decided he wanted to write once more and has been pestering me to publish him again (like this is Random House or Huff Post).  He wrote this maybe 6 months ago and I just totally forgot to post it but since I've been somewhat moody lately, to make it up to him, I've designated the space below to his musings on fashion and makeup (oh, have I mentioned he's venturing outside of the nail polish world now as well?  What a Renaissance guy.)

Anyways, sit back and enjoy.

After the wild success of my first post, I decided to give this another go.  I was showered with adulation and praise, (there were even calls for me to run for president) which staved off a mild depression and provided some type of catharsis with regards to my nail polish relationship woes.  That being said, with a fresh new coat of meandering opinions, here are some fashion tips from a guy who knows absolutely nothing about fashion.  Get ready to be cyber bullied.

1st - We notice chipped nail polish.  This one is actually pretty big to us.  It speaks to your state of being and makes us feel you don't pay enough attention to your appearance.  Better to go with no nail polish than looking like you worked 3 12's at a coal mine.

2nd - Jeggings.  Do I really need to explain why you shouldn't wear these?  It's the lack of commitment here that scares us.  If you know anything about guys, it's that we LOVE commitment.  If you can't decide between jeans and leggings, how can we possibly expect you to be ready for marriage? 

3rd - Bright Lipstick.  I say this one because I worry about your safety.  While I'm a huge fan of advances in glow-in-the-dark technology, some of these colors are just unnaturally bright. They also aren't very flattering if your skin is on the paler side.  In a recent study, 9 out of 10 bright lipsticks were made with some sort of nuclear waste!  Don't look that up yet though, it's kinda a new fact so you won't find it anywhere.

4th - Your winged eyeliner looks ridiculous.  I have not met a single guy who likes that look. Here's a better alternative I've found through minutes of research in writing this article: don't do that.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with looking more human than cat.

5th - The Kylie Jenner lips thing.  Seriously?  These look GREAT.  If you're not doing this, you're missing out.  If there's one thing guys loved it's bruised Mr. Potato Head lips. Find a shot glass, lose your dignity, and get to work on those lips!

Lastly - There are these shirts that are new and I don't like them.  I don't know what they're called, but don't wear those. Okay?

Concluding paragraph. I've been told it's important in the blogging world to sum up your previous points in the final paragraph, so feel free to review each point again.


Hands off ladies, he's all mine.


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